1 00:00:10,394 --> 00:00:13,826 Matteo, my son, he loves Halloween, 2 00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:19,707 and we were told we must see the haunted house on Rose Street. 3 00:00:19,711 --> 00:00:21,459 -Ready? Okay. -Yeah. 4 00:00:21,463 --> 00:00:23,670 I took him, and it was the worst 5 00:00:23,674 --> 00:00:26,881 haunted house in Toledo, if not the entire planet. 6 00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:28,320 Okay. 7 00:00:29,346 --> 00:00:31,970 Nothing was scary. 8 00:00:31,974 --> 00:00:34,389 Nothing. 9 00:00:34,393 --> 00:00:38,685 "Evacuation plan." Get ready to run away. 10 00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:43,022 "Slippery when wet." 11 00:00:43,026 --> 00:00:46,317 Oh, look, the giant. A giant. 12 00:00:46,321 --> 00:00:50,488 There was one jump scare in the evil vegetarian kitchen. 13 00:00:50,492 --> 00:00:51,906 Aah! 14 00:00:51,910 --> 00:00:54,534 But at least they saved the best for last. 15 00:00:54,538 --> 00:00:58,871 Oh, finally. Frankenstein's laboratory. 16 00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:00,373 Are you ready for this? 17 00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:01,791 Yeah! 18 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,126 Hey! 19 00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,502 They couldn't afford the costume, 20 00:01:04,506 --> 00:01:06,129 so they put Frankenstein in a tub. 21 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,880 Scary? Not. 22 00:01:07,884 --> 00:01:10,425 But more nudity than I expected. 23 00:01:10,429 --> 00:01:14,012 He was stitched together from dead people. 24 00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:15,492 Triple bypass. 25 00:01:17,269 --> 00:01:18,850 Matteo is a genius. 26 00:01:18,854 --> 00:01:20,351 He put it perfectly. 27 00:01:20,355 --> 00:01:23,062 "Mom, this is the halfway house." 28 00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:27,567 I said, "Amore, yes, halfway between scary and a rip-off." 29 00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:30,403 In fact, I decided to write a review. 30 00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:34,094 "What to Fear at the Haunted House on Rose Street? 31 00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:36,284 Nothing." 32 00:01:36,288 --> 00:01:37,493 -Hey, B. -Huh? 33 00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:39,078 Can you please clean it up for me 34 00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,289 -and put it online? Thank you. -Mm-hm. 35 00:01:41,293 --> 00:01:42,957 Esmeralda's a good writer, 36 00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:46,273 but she makes spelling mistakes, coming from Norway. 37 00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,425 All right. This baby's ready to go. 38 00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:25,145 {\an8}Just a little drop will do. 39 00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:29,545 {\an8}Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis! 40 00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:32,486 {\an8}The cop from the bar just wrote back. My office, ASAP. 41 00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,760 Last week we went out for margaritas 42 00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,136 and urgent care nurses, 43 00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:39,681 but I found something even better. 44 00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:40,682 A cop. 45 00:02:40,686 --> 00:02:42,016 So I said to him, 46 00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:43,309 "We should hang out sometime." 47 00:02:43,313 --> 00:02:45,561 And he just got back, "How's today?" 48 00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,167 -Mmm. -So, what do I say? 49 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,857 -How about yes? -Do you wanna hang out? 50 00:02:49,861 --> 00:02:52,652 Yes. We desperately need a source at the police station. 51 00:02:52,656 --> 00:02:56,239 But it's just happening so fast. I don't know how to... Um... 52 00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:57,824 All right, I'm just gonna say yes. Yes. 53 00:02:57,828 --> 00:03:00,368 Or no. Maybe I just like his text? 54 00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:01,828 -Yeah. -He can't hear this. 55 00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:03,037 -No. -Can he? 56 00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:04,080 -Okay. -I don't think so. 57 00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,040 Well, "Sick, dude." 58 00:03:06,044 --> 00:03:07,625 -Perfect. -And crying-eyes emoji. 59 00:03:07,629 --> 00:03:09,877 -No? No? -No, no, no, lose the emoji. No emoji. 60 00:03:09,881 --> 00:03:10,920 -No emoji. -Why? 61 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,547 People love emojis, I thought. 62 00:03:12,551 --> 00:03:14,006 Well, I don't think cops love emojis. 63 00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:17,009 You gotta text with your balls, Ned. Just do it sloppy. 64 00:03:17,013 --> 00:03:18,553 Oh, uh, yeah. 65 00:03:18,557 --> 00:03:22,515 -"Maybe a ride-along or some shit." -Yeah. 66 00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:25,059 -Mm-hm. -Yeah. -Sloppy. 67 00:03:25,063 --> 00:03:26,352 -Yeah? -He's typing. 68 00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,478 -Typing. -Typing. 69 00:03:27,482 --> 00:03:29,230 "Did you go to college?" 70 00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:30,231 Too sloppy. 71 00:03:30,235 --> 00:03:32,525 Shoot. Yup. 72 00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:34,652 I'm just busy. I just say I'm busy. 73 00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:36,237 -Just be honest. -Sent. 74 00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:39,157 -Okay. Okay. -Mm-hm. -And now? 75 00:03:39,161 --> 00:03:41,033 -"Gun range in one hour." -Nice. 76 00:03:41,037 --> 00:03:43,494 -Ooh! -Okay. There you go. -There you go. 77 00:03:43,498 --> 00:03:45,955 Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?" 78 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,540 -Yes, yes? -You want us to come? 79 00:03:47,544 --> 00:03:49,792 -Yeah if you would like. Yes. -Sure. 80 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:52,754 -Thumbs up. Oh! -Nice, man. 81 00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:53,387 Good job, Ned. 82 00:03:53,391 --> 00:03:55,548 It is a date. Heart eyes. 83 00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:56,966 -No, no, no. -No? 84 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,384 No. No. 85 00:03:58,388 --> 00:04:00,887 Hey, guys. Don't forget ear plugs. 86 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,786 -Hey, I'm coming too. -Awesome. 87 00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,518 People aren't going to shoot guns 88 00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,562 during work hours without me. 89 00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:11,647 I still don't know why Mare lied last week. 90 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,399 You'd only lie to your best friend 91 00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:15,985 if you didn't wanna hurt their feelings 92 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:21,407 or if you recently became addicted to drugs. 93 00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:23,576 -Hey, dork. -Hey. 94 00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:25,787 Yesterday, I found a coffee can under your car. 95 00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:28,498 Guess what was in it? A thousand dollars. 96 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,416 -No way. That's amazing. -Yeah. 97 00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,293 It's free money. You can have 500. 98 00:04:32,297 --> 00:04:34,420 No, Nicole, that's your money. 99 00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:36,714 -You sure? -Yeah. 100 00:04:36,718 --> 00:04:39,926 You can spend it on anything. Nobody would know. 101 00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:43,638 Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk about this later? I gotta go. 102 00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,785 -Later, dork. Bye. -Bye. Hey, Trav? 103 00:04:49,231 --> 00:04:51,020 -Pew! -I'm obviously relieved 104 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,606 she doesn't have a drug problem. 105 00:04:53,610 --> 00:04:55,525 But since there's only one other thing 106 00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,109 she would keep secret from me, 107 00:04:57,113 --> 00:05:00,404 I think it's pretty obvious what's happening. 108 00:05:00,408 --> 00:05:02,344 Mare has a new best friend. 109 00:05:03,161 --> 00:05:05,451 I wonder who she could be. 110 00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:07,995 All right, remember, the paper needs the police. 111 00:05:07,999 --> 00:05:11,582 We need them. We feed off their tips like a parasitic... 112 00:05:11,586 --> 00:05:14,001 What's more noble than a parasitic worm? 113 00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:16,963 -An eagle? -Yes. Like parasitic eagles. 114 00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:19,590 So I will be saying certain things to them 115 00:05:19,594 --> 00:05:21,509 to make sure that they like us. 116 00:05:21,513 --> 00:05:23,177 So just play along. 117 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,015 -Using notes. -Budweiser. 118 00:05:28,019 --> 00:05:28,995 Perps. 119 00:05:30,438 --> 00:05:31,706 Three fifty-seven. 120 00:05:33,149 --> 00:05:34,793 Coors. Coors. 121 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,025 Oh, they got snacks. 122 00:05:38,029 --> 00:05:41,863 Jalapeño garbage pail fries with monkey sauce. Ew. 123 00:05:41,867 --> 00:05:43,823 -I bet they use seed oils. -Oh, that reminds me. 124 00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:45,908 There is a brutal takedown of Guy Fieri's restaurant 125 00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:48,995 in the New York Times. It is an iconic review. 126 00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:51,622 -Coors. Coors. Buffalo Wild Wings. -Hey, Ned. 127 00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:53,416 Hey. Hank. How you doing? 128 00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,667 -Good. -Good to see you. 129 00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,836 This here is Detrick, this is Travis. 130 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,589 This little shorty here is Mare. She's cool. 131 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,507 -This your first time, Mare? -Hell, no. 132 00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:02,675 Three years in the 68th Armored. 133 00:06:02,679 --> 00:06:04,385 -Oh-ho-ho! Wow. -Wow. 134 00:06:04,389 --> 00:06:05,761 Thanks for your service. 135 00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,847 Mare here has popped more caps than a milliner. 136 00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:10,391 -Jesus, Ned. -It's a hat-maker. 137 00:06:10,395 --> 00:06:11,642 You guys want some snacks? 138 00:06:11,646 --> 00:06:13,019 You gotta try the garbage pail fries. 139 00:06:13,023 --> 00:06:14,645 Do you know if they use seed oil? 140 00:06:14,649 --> 00:06:16,564 -Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha. -Ow! Shit. 141 00:06:16,568 --> 00:06:18,232 Garbage pail's right here, am I right? 142 00:06:18,236 --> 00:06:20,359 Load them in. 143 00:06:20,363 --> 00:06:23,237 So you guys have any crossbows? 144 00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,031 No. 145 00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:28,200 For real? Look, I'll just take that pistol. 146 00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:30,453 So how long have you worked at a paper? 147 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,455 You ever think about radio news? 148 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,081 I mean, radio's better than paper, right? 149 00:06:34,085 --> 00:06:38,210 Radio's, uh, pretty cool, especially classic rock. 150 00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:40,254 The Eagles, am I right? 151 00:06:40,258 --> 00:06:41,464 The thing about news is, 152 00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,049 you're only as good as your sources. 153 00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:44,216 Well, fair's fair. 154 00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:45,343 I mean, if a guy slips you 155 00:06:45,347 --> 00:06:46,761 something good off the record 156 00:06:46,765 --> 00:06:49,722 and you make him look good and he gets a promotion, 157 00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,515 well, you get better stuff next time. 158 00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:52,975 -Mm-hm. -Couldn't agree more. -Oh, yeah. 159 00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:55,227 And you'd never show body cam footage, right? 160 00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:56,875 Shut the up, Bobby. 161 00:06:57,909 --> 00:07:00,149 Body cams are a great tool for accountability. 162 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,276 -Yep. -What are you shooting, Mare? 163 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,694 Desert Eagle. 164 00:07:03,698 --> 00:07:05,154 I know it's not the most practical, 165 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,238 but I can't help myself. 166 00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:07,531 You can handle the kick? 167 00:07:07,535 --> 00:07:09,241 Easy, Bobby. Keep it in your pants. 168 00:07:09,245 --> 00:07:11,973 Bobby, why don't you go check on the car? 169 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:14,601 Humiliating. 170 00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,584 Sorry about that, guys. Dayton transfer. 171 00:07:18,588 --> 00:07:20,586 Dayton. I should have guessed with that face. 172 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:25,591 -Hey. Let's light these up. -Let's rain some lead. 173 00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,343 -Yeah. -All right. Come on. 174 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,823 Crushing it. 175 00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:32,515 Nice, nice. 176 00:07:34,104 --> 00:07:37,895 I'm bringing cases on all you bitches, huh? 177 00:07:37,899 --> 00:07:39,096 Oh, oh! 178 00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:43,651 -King Kong ain't got shit on me. -Detrick? Detrick. Just... 179 00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:45,194 -Come on. -Oh. 180 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,134 King Kong ain't got shit on me. 181 00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:54,996 -Damn. -Dang. 182 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,184 -Mm! -Wow! 183 00:08:01,923 --> 00:08:03,020 Hank. 184 00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:06,820 First Amendment, Second Amendment, best of friends. 185 00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,939 -What was that? -That was you. 186 00:08:21,943 --> 00:08:24,358 Unless there's a second-grade girl behind you. 187 00:08:24,362 --> 00:08:27,194 No, what...? What bit me? 188 00:08:27,198 --> 00:08:30,031 -What? -Something just bit me on the ankle. 189 00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:30,865 Jesus Christ. 190 00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:32,950 What? Like a snake? 191 00:08:32,954 --> 00:08:34,869 Get your head out of your ass, Bobby. 192 00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:37,747 It wasn't a snake. This is a gun range. It was like a rat. 193 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,916 A fricking rat just ran out and bit my ankle, 194 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,710 just when I was shooting my pistol. 195 00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:45,880 -A rat? -Yes. Goddamn it. I hate rats. 196 00:08:45,884 --> 00:08:48,966 Ned? Ned. 197 00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,260 -It bit you? -Did you see it? 198 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,428 No. Are...? 199 00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,346 -Damn it. -Can I just see...? Okay. 200 00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:56,432 Okay. Let's just... 201 00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:02,563 Ned, are you okay? 202 00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:05,003 Goddamn it. It broke the skin. Shit. 203 00:09:09,074 --> 00:09:10,571 Hey. 204 00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:11,947 It was definitely a rat. 205 00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:14,492 It was a brown rat. It bit me and ran off. 206 00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:17,453 -Where? -I don't know, Hank. The rat hole? 207 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:20,247 Damn it, Ephraim, do we really have freaking rats here? 208 00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:21,311 I hate rats. 209 00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:27,588 Can you show us where it got you? 210 00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:28,756 No, no, no, 'cause it's... 211 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,862 -No, we need to see. -Sure. 212 00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,887 It's not a big deal. I'll live. 213 00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:36,972 -Ugh! -Oh, my God. Ned, you're bleeding. 214 00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,850 -Gnarly, man. -Yep, vicious little bastard. 215 00:09:39,854 --> 00:09:42,394 Hey. Don't worry, man. When we catch it, 216 00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:43,604 you can blow it away. 217 00:09:43,608 --> 00:09:45,627 It would be my pleasure, Hank. 218 00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:48,296 -Hey, Esmeralda. -Yes? 219 00:09:49,531 --> 00:09:52,822 Your piece on the Rose Street House 220 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,991 is something else. I'm actually moved. 221 00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,661 Everyone is talking about my review 222 00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:01,372 of the Halloween House, you know? 223 00:10:01,376 --> 00:10:04,166 It's a sensation. 224 00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:08,963 "Thank you for writing this. These people aren't monsters." 225 00:10:08,967 --> 00:10:11,882 I know, they're not. That's why it's lame. 226 00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:15,657 "Finally, an article from you that didn't suck." 227 00:10:17,642 --> 00:10:18,973 Someone gets it. 228 00:10:18,977 --> 00:10:20,933 If Mare thinks she can drop me 229 00:10:20,937 --> 00:10:22,143 as her best friend, 230 00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:23,727 she should know that it's gonna be 231 00:10:23,731 --> 00:10:25,813 a very soft landing. 232 00:10:25,817 --> 00:10:27,648 I had a different best friend before Mare. 233 00:10:27,652 --> 00:10:28,858 I can just go back to her. 234 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,839 Hey, Lola. Free for lunch? 235 00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,572 You got a lot of nerve coming back here. 236 00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:36,323 -I know. -No, no. 237 00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:41,766 I-I do not get involved with the lives of my coworkers, period. 238 00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:47,835 But things between Adelola and Nicole haven't been the same 239 00:10:47,839 --> 00:10:50,921 since Nicole and Mare became best friends. 240 00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:53,257 Also, Nicole's college friend Krysta 241 00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,593 was talking shit about Adelola, 242 00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:57,511 and Nicole did not have her back. 243 00:10:57,515 --> 00:10:59,180 So... 244 00:10:59,184 --> 00:11:00,598 I guess you forgot I like the ones 245 00:11:00,602 --> 00:11:02,078 that you can peel apart. 246 00:11:03,188 --> 00:11:05,019 -Oh. -I like to call it 247 00:11:05,023 --> 00:11:07,062 The Real Single Ladies of Toledo. 248 00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,522 If you don't know the backstory, 249 00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:10,482 these guys were hot and heavy lunch buds. 250 00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:13,444 Then Mare gets hired, for a while it's a three-way. 251 00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:16,864 Until one day, Mare shows up with only two boba teas 252 00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:19,491 and Adelola, she gets left out. 253 00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,535 It was brutal. 254 00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:23,287 You're a fan too? 255 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,955 This show gives me a reason to live. 256 00:11:24,959 --> 00:11:26,227 It's fine. 257 00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:32,213 Honestly, guys, I'm gonna be fine. It's fine. 258 00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:33,797 I'm worried that you lost a lot of blood. 259 00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:35,507 Your foot is like, snow white. 260 00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:36,842 His whole leg's white. 261 00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,802 -Then why is the bite blue? -Okay. 262 00:11:38,806 --> 00:11:40,804 "Rat bites can turn blue with the presence of 263 00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:42,848 Streptobacillus moniliformis." 264 00:11:42,852 --> 00:11:44,475 -That sounds awful. -Yes. Yes. 265 00:11:44,479 --> 00:11:45,809 You're not gonna sue, yeah? 266 00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:48,646 I mean, still the two amendments, right? 267 00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:50,397 Forget about it. 268 00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:52,441 I think we gotta catch this rat, sir. 269 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,734 Make sure it's not rabid. 270 00:11:53,738 --> 00:11:55,236 It's not rabid, Travis. 271 00:11:55,240 --> 00:12:00,366 And Hank, ain't nobody suing nobody, all right? 272 00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:03,661 This has been super fun, guys. I'll catch you again. 273 00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:04,891 Oh, and Hank? 274 00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:08,478 Hit me up if you got any tips. 275 00:12:10,838 --> 00:12:13,003 We have to write this up, right? 276 00:12:13,007 --> 00:12:15,172 I mean, there could be rabies. 277 00:12:15,176 --> 00:12:17,487 You really think there's rabies in this town? 278 00:12:18,596 --> 00:12:20,052 I have nieces. 279 00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,471 There's way worse diseases than rabies out there. 280 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,473 You ever heard of the Black Death? 281 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,308 It would make you wish for rabies. 282 00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,269 Kendra, I'm not telling you how to parent. 283 00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:30,938 I'm just saying, tell them not to play with rats. 284 00:12:30,942 --> 00:12:32,439 Why is this a fight? 285 00:12:32,443 --> 00:12:34,566 I know that you don't wanna lose your new source, 286 00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:37,152 but this is a potential public health hazard. 287 00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,320 Mare. 288 00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:42,116 People don't buy the paper to read about us, all right? 289 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,118 There's no section called "The Editor's Ankle." 290 00:12:44,122 --> 00:12:46,933 -Yeah. -So let's just get back to work. 291 00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:53,877 I don't think we should listen to Ned on this one. 292 00:12:53,881 --> 00:12:55,963 Uh... Okay. 293 00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,299 He's putting the paper first like usual. 294 00:12:58,303 --> 00:13:00,009 He doesn't wanna lose his new source, 295 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,135 and he'd rather let his foot fall off 296 00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:02,720 than advocate for himself. 297 00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:05,472 Why don't you guys go pull the snack bar's health records? 298 00:13:05,476 --> 00:13:07,474 Okay? I'm gonna find some rat experts. 299 00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:09,184 All right. We're on it. 300 00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,894 Just you and me on this one, Trick. 301 00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:15,357 So I've been called D, Big D, Detective Rick, 302 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,985 Debt with a B, Detrick, give me more. 303 00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:19,320 Like, honestly, it's hard for me 304 00:13:19,324 --> 00:13:20,946 to find nicknames I don't vibe with. 305 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,324 But Travis has a gift for it. 306 00:13:23,328 --> 00:13:26,514 -The Icky-Tricky Boys, back at it. -Yep. 307 00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:32,333 There you are. 308 00:13:32,337 --> 00:13:34,918 So I hear your mom's in town... 309 00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:36,899 -No ketchup? -Uh... 310 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,902 Yeah. Of course. 311 00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,304 Oh, Nicole. Fetching condiments. 312 00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,723 The ultimate lunchtime humiliation. 313 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,266 That's why I love Adarina. 314 00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:51,143 She's gonna make you work for it. You want back in? 315 00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:52,728 You'll be crawling on your knees. 316 00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,396 -Adelola. -Whatever. 317 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,567 The positive comments from my article keep rolling in. 318 00:14:00,031 --> 00:14:01,737 And now I have an invitation 319 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:07,576 from NPR to talk to someone named Gross Terry. 320 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:12,122 He is probably one of those obnoxious morning DJs. 321 00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:14,604 Should I do it? Or should I blow him off? 322 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:19,609 Ahh! 323 00:14:23,137 --> 00:14:26,595 I heard that you have been bitten by a rat. 324 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:30,224 -Yeah. -What a weird thing to happen to a man. 325 00:14:30,228 --> 00:14:32,601 They usually eat garbage. 326 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,624 Are you garbage, Ned? 327 00:14:36,150 --> 00:14:39,149 The universe has no reason to punish me. 328 00:14:39,153 --> 00:14:41,860 But if it did, Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross 329 00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:44,696 interview on Fresh Air today for her progressive editorial 330 00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:47,950 would be an effective way of doing so. 331 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:50,369 Who was the real victim here? 332 00:14:50,373 --> 00:14:53,497 Ned with the gun, or the little rat, 333 00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,999 who was probably a single parent? 334 00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:59,044 Uh-huh. And why would it run towards a loud sound 335 00:14:59,048 --> 00:15:00,254 like a gunshot? 336 00:15:00,258 --> 00:15:01,880 You got the photo I sent, right? 337 00:15:01,884 --> 00:15:03,215 It doesn't look like a rat bite. 338 00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:05,092 How do you explain the wound? 339 00:15:05,096 --> 00:15:07,428 Um... Maybe a Bic? 340 00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:10,264 -What? -Or a Uni-Ball? 341 00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:11,498 Uh... No. No. 342 00:15:11,502 --> 00:15:15,102 We have visual confirmation that it was definitely a rat. 343 00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:17,062 Thank you for your time. Bye. 344 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,650 -Hey. -What's up, Mare? 345 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:24,403 -How'd it go? -So the snack bar's records came back spotless. 346 00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:27,281 Passed every inspection. No rats, no droppings ever. 347 00:15:27,285 --> 00:15:29,616 Ephraim is really tearing himself up about this. 348 00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:33,495 -Ephraim? -Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man. 349 00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,289 Can you guys go back one more time? 350 00:15:35,293 --> 00:15:37,416 And just check the outside of the gun range? 351 00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,001 If the rat isn't from the kitchen, 352 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,252 where is it coming from? 353 00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:42,525 You want us to go look for a rat hive? 354 00:15:43,468 --> 00:15:45,174 -Get moving. -Okay. 355 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,362 Okay. 356 00:15:47,296 --> 00:15:50,679 -It's crazy, man. -Yeah, crazy. Come on. 357 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:55,142 All right. Come on, Tricky J. D-Bag Slim. 358 00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:56,727 What's going on with these two? 359 00:15:56,731 --> 00:15:58,145 I don't know, don't care. 360 00:15:58,149 --> 00:16:00,731 Not interested in the dynamics with men. 361 00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:02,191 Hm. 362 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,359 -Tricky Diddles. -Stop. 363 00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,111 I really think we need to get back 364 00:16:06,115 --> 00:16:07,654 to the Glass Club crusade. 365 00:16:07,658 --> 00:16:09,907 I'm not gonna stop the rat story, 366 00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:11,783 but it is a very small story. 367 00:16:11,787 --> 00:16:14,369 It's probably more, like, one line in the police blotter. 368 00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:16,330 Because I'm not... I'm fine. 369 00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:17,789 Adam? 370 00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:21,585 -Hi, honey. How was the doctor? -I'm pregnant again. 371 00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:23,754 No, you were just pregnant. You had the baby. 372 00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:26,381 I know. And then you said you got a vasectomy. 373 00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:29,134 I did get a vasectomy. Remember? 374 00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:30,969 I went to the best surgeon in Ensenada. 375 00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:32,346 It's next to the fish taco place. 376 00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:34,223 They went in through my back. Labrosopic. 377 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,391 I woke up in a bath of ice holding a margarita. 378 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,060 They swiped your kidney, kid. 379 00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:39,478 No, it was a vasectomy. 380 00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:41,271 I don't think they would have given me $500 381 00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:42,731 for my kidney, Barry. 382 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,149 -Adam. -What? 383 00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:47,402 I envy what Adam and Summer have. 384 00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:48,716 Sex. 385 00:16:49,992 --> 00:16:51,240 -We're back. -Hey. 386 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,741 You'll never believe this. 387 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,993 There's a lab a hundred feet away from the gun range. 388 00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:57,496 Check this out. Check it out. 389 00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:58,956 So Travis took some pictures, 390 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,249 I interviewed a scientist. 391 00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,667 -They got hell a rats. -Shut up. 392 00:17:01,671 --> 00:17:04,086 But there's one problem. All their rats are white. 393 00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:06,734 Okay. What do we know? 394 00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:09,216 The rat was brown. 395 00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,552 The brown rat bit a man in a gun range. 396 00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:14,012 The lab is less than a hundred feet away 397 00:17:14,016 --> 00:17:16,139 but all their rats are white. 398 00:17:16,143 --> 00:17:17,828 I mean, if they're telling the truth. 399 00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:21,270 Okay. New info. 400 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,272 There's a cosmetics lab about a hundred feet away. 401 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,439 The rats are probably coming 402 00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,941 to the gun range from the lab, right? 403 00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:29,111 Drawn by the loud gunfire and acrid smoke? 404 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,530 Well, and the fries. 405 00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:34,783 No rat has ever behaved like that. 406 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,307 Unless someone completely -rewired its brain. 407 00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:44,293 Hm. And what would be the expected property tax 408 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,878 on 100 acres of residential land? 409 00:17:46,882 --> 00:17:49,631 Hm. See, that's... That's a lot. 410 00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,508 -Hey. You got a moment? -Sure. 411 00:17:51,512 --> 00:17:54,136 Can I call you back? Thanks. 412 00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:55,283 Okay. 413 00:17:56,183 --> 00:17:57,556 So the key to this is, 414 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,891 the rat behaved in a really weird way. 415 00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:01,143 It sparked my curiosity, 416 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:02,769 so I interviewed a rat behavior expert. 417 00:18:02,773 --> 00:18:05,480 Now, a normal rat wouldn't run out in the middle of gunfire 418 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,982 and just aggressively bite a human. 419 00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,775 Have you ever heard of a rat that would do that? 420 00:18:08,779 --> 00:18:12,571 But a lab rat that's being experimented on, maybe. 421 00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:15,657 But then we realized that the cosmetics store is just a front. 422 00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,534 Behind the lab with the white rats 423 00:18:17,538 --> 00:18:19,661 is most likely a secret lab where somebody... 424 00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,204 I don't freaking know, the military? 425 00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,708 Is funding research on a rat that runs towards gunfire, 426 00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:27,252 weaponizing an aggressive wartime rat, either as a, 427 00:18:27,256 --> 00:18:28,712 you know, end in itself, 428 00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,922 maybe carrying a little explosive backpack or something, 429 00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:33,863 or as a prototype for the same experiment on humans. 430 00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,053 Forget the Glass Club, 431 00:18:36,057 --> 00:18:37,220 this should be our crusade. 432 00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:39,014 This could be our Pulitzer. 433 00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,202 Hm. 434 00:18:41,771 --> 00:18:43,956 I don't know why he's not more excited. 435 00:18:45,232 --> 00:18:46,542 Hm. 436 00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,880 Unless... he lied. 437 00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:57,824 -Hey, Ned? -Hm? 438 00:18:57,828 --> 00:18:58,825 This is Ashley. 439 00:18:58,829 --> 00:19:00,494 She's gonna be giving you your rabies shot. 440 00:19:00,498 --> 00:19:02,079 Since you were bit by a rat. 441 00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:05,082 Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think the rat actually had rabies. 442 00:19:05,086 --> 00:19:07,751 If you don't get the shot, you could die. 443 00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:08,689 Okay. 444 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,091 Jesus. That's the shot? 445 00:19:14,095 --> 00:19:15,279 One of five. 446 00:19:18,099 --> 00:19:19,554 Cool. 447 00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:23,767 That's actually a boba straw I spray-painted silver. 448 00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:25,602 And Ashley isn't really a nurse. 449 00:19:25,606 --> 00:19:28,021 I went to high school with her, and we both did musical theater. 450 00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:29,815 You'll be getting two injections today. 451 00:19:29,819 --> 00:19:32,401 One is the vaccine, one is the rabies immune globulin. 452 00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:33,902 After this, you'll get three more shots. 453 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,654 We'll be seeing a lot more of each other. 454 00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:38,949 Wow. No idea this was such a long process. 455 00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:41,806 But you have to do it, because you were bit by a rat. 456 00:19:42,873 --> 00:19:43,808 -Right? -Right. 457 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,957 I wish I wasn't, but I was. 458 00:19:46,961 --> 00:19:50,210 Side effects include chills, dizziness, fever, seizures, 459 00:19:50,214 --> 00:19:52,963 necrosis at the injection site, vomiting, diarrhea, 460 00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:55,757 increased likelihood of stroke, rectal bleeding, hair loss... 461 00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:58,260 -Hair loss? -Also rectal bleeding. 462 00:19:58,264 --> 00:19:59,865 Yeah. That was in there. 463 00:20:02,309 --> 00:20:05,392 All right, all right, let's do it. 464 00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:06,539 Oh, no. 465 00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,009 Sir? 466 00:20:20,995 --> 00:20:21,971 No. 467 00:20:23,072 --> 00:20:25,996 The shots are so large to penetrate the abdominal wall. 468 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,331 -Yes. -I like to go in through the navel. 469 00:20:28,335 --> 00:20:30,500 -Just do it. Do it now. -Okay. 470 00:20:30,504 --> 00:20:33,879 I mean, it was not what you would expect. 471 00:20:33,883 --> 00:20:36,673 He was looking forward to be scared. 472 00:20:36,677 --> 00:20:41,136 But in the end he told me, "Mom, that was nothing." 473 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:45,348 So even your young son wasn't afraid. That says something. 474 00:20:45,352 --> 00:20:52,314 Exactly. No matter what anyone tells you, not scary. 475 00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:53,774 Okay, if you're just joining us, 476 00:20:53,778 --> 00:20:55,859 -my guest is Esmeralda Grand. -Yes. 477 00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:58,528 She's the online editor of the Toledo newspaper... 478 00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,197 -TTT Online. -The Truth Teller. 479 00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:01,364 Yes. 480 00:21:01,368 --> 00:21:02,824 -And I want to... -Thank you. 481 00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,118 Hi. Ciao, America. I love you. 482 00:21:05,122 --> 00:21:09,039 So, Esmeralda, in order to challenge people's stereotypes, 483 00:21:09,043 --> 00:21:11,750 you wrote about a halfway house. 484 00:21:11,754 --> 00:21:13,543 But you wrote about it satirically, 485 00:21:13,547 --> 00:21:15,712 as if it were a haunted house 486 00:21:15,716 --> 00:21:19,445 that wasn't very successful at scaring people. 487 00:21:24,725 --> 00:21:25,789 Yes. 488 00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:28,871 Do you have any sense of what can be changed? 489 00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,269 Well, all or a, at first, 490 00:21:31,273 --> 00:21:35,565 my thoughts were a dead bride, crying blood, 491 00:21:35,569 --> 00:21:38,318 and maybe a clown with a huge knife. 492 00:21:38,322 --> 00:21:44,741 But now, I would say maybe, I think, more social workers. 493 00:21:44,745 --> 00:21:47,369 Okay, I think I see what's happening here. 494 00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:48,912 My apologies to listeners. 495 00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:52,749 We're gonna have to end this misguided interview. 496 00:21:52,753 --> 00:21:55,961 Thank you. Thank you, Terry, to having me here. 497 00:21:55,965 --> 00:21:58,088 Ciao, America. I love you. 498 00:21:58,092 --> 00:21:59,673 Oh, great job, Louis. 499 00:21:59,677 --> 00:22:01,987 Yes, Louis, great job. Thank you. 500 00:22:02,805 --> 00:22:04,010 Now, if there's any reason 501 00:22:04,014 --> 00:22:05,720 you don't want this strong woman 502 00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:08,265 to plunge a giant needle into your stomach, 503 00:22:08,269 --> 00:22:10,183 I feel like now's the time to say something. 504 00:22:10,187 --> 00:22:14,145 No. I need to prevent rabies. Because of my rat bite. 505 00:22:14,149 --> 00:22:17,169 So do it. Just do it, do it, do it. Come on, come on. 506 00:22:19,154 --> 00:22:20,130 Okay. 507 00:22:21,657 --> 00:22:25,135 Just... Can you wait outside, Ash? 508 00:22:27,121 --> 00:22:28,097 Sorry. 509 00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:35,292 Dude, what is wrong with you? 510 00:22:35,296 --> 00:22:38,003 You'd really rather let her stab you in the stomach 511 00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:39,921 than just admit there was no freaking rat? 512 00:22:39,925 --> 00:22:42,674 I mean, why? Why do you have such a desperate need 513 00:22:42,678 --> 00:22:44,134 to impress this cop? 514 00:22:44,138 --> 00:22:47,658 I don't have a desperate need to impress a cop. 515 00:22:50,102 --> 00:22:52,204 You hit the bullseye on your first shot. 516 00:22:53,647 --> 00:22:55,708 -Dude. -You were in the Army. 517 00:22:58,485 --> 00:23:01,318 In all honesty, when the gun startled you, 518 00:23:01,322 --> 00:23:02,819 was it the bang or the recoil? 519 00:23:02,823 --> 00:23:04,216 It pinched my finger. 520 00:23:07,369 --> 00:23:08,512 Bang! 521 00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:11,161 -Oh, my God. -Damn it. 522 00:23:11,165 --> 00:23:12,099 You're cute. 523 00:23:13,709 --> 00:23:15,561 You're really cute. 524 00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:19,857 -Thank you. -And you have a cute tushy. 525 00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:31,348 {\an8}Wait, what? 526 00:23:31,352 --> 00:23:32,849 {\an8}She thought I left her out? 527 00:23:32,853 --> 00:23:35,226 {\an8}I just thought Adelola didn't like Japanese food. 528 00:23:35,230 --> 00:23:36,770 {\an8}Oh, my God. 529 00:23:36,774 --> 00:23:38,355 {\an8}-Hey. -Hey. 530 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,086 {\an8}I think I forgot to get you one of these a while ago. 531 00:23:42,196 --> 00:23:43,130 {\an8}Oh. 532 00:23:44,031 --> 00:23:45,007 {\an8}Thanks. 533 00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:49,720 {\an8}Where's the straw? 534 00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:52,848 {\an8}How am I supposed to drink this? 535 00:23:55,709 --> 00:23:58,416 {\an8}And we're back.